Get your body beach ready! Get your bikini body now!
What? Why? My body IS beach ready thank-you, lumps, pale skin, wobbly bits and all. I just want to swim, not to enter Ms South Beach. I’m not going out there to titillate the surfers. I simply want to build an enormous moat with the kids, skim perfect pebbles, and maybe look for interesting critters in the rock pools.
What I do want though is a new swimsuit. No, actually I want genuine fullblown swimming costumery, preferably Victorian, something that ends at my knees, that blooms over my bumps, that shovels up the ole boobs into a grand shelf and hides at least some of my sins.
I want to be comfortable.
I want it in stripes.
I want.
What I really want (from a 1950s Vogue photo shoot) only in Lycra, with support panels please.
I suspect Nigella Lawson wanted the very same when she tossed her languid, luscious self into the ocean off Australia dressed from head-to-toe (quite literally) in a startlingly unflattering black burqini. You’ve seen the photos taken by the paparazzi she was doubtless trying to avoid: our lovely Nigella plopped about in the waves looking remarkably like a clumsy sea lion with her button nose and shiny black roundy body, and I sighed in deepest sympathy, along with thousands of women on the curvy-to-morbidly-obese spectrum the world over.
Nigella, I feel your pain. I don’t want to prance about on the beach in the equivalent of Lycra underwear either.
Hold on a sec though: did I say I want a new swimsuit? Actually, I want a swimsuit full stop, with no “new” about it, for I currently don’t own one. Several years of swimwear shopping trauma, changing-room rage and scuttling to the water in baggy T-shirts worn over whatever I can borrow have brought me to this sorry point.
See, swimwear is not made for women like me and Nigella, women with hips and thighs and, dare I say, real-life labia. Swimwear is all bikinis and tankinis, with tummy-tucking ruching and breast-hoiking cups for those jugs, but I have yet to find a cossie for the classic pear: smallish on top but abundant down below. Equally, there’s nothing out there for the Nigellaesque hourglass either, unless she’s a size eight.
Nigella's burqini
The hot-pant style often suggested to us pears simply cuts straight through the meaty hip-thigh circumference like a rubber band, causing the sections above and below the elastic to bulge much like a squeezed balloon. The legs (often dumpy on a pear) are foreshortened, the bum oozes out and the body is often too short (we pears are long-trunked). Trying on a longer body and bigger size means the straps are too long and sad little boobs are left stranded, a couple of floppy fish sagging in spandex.
You can get two-pieces that are meant to do the job, with high-waisted bottoms to marshall the gut and a cute, padded bikini top — handy because two-pieces can be ordered in separate sizes for each half — but again, the bottom cuts straight through the leg at its widest point. There are great 1940s and 50s styled swimsuits out there too, but I just look squat in them all.
So I want a modern take on a Victorian swimsuit, only body-fitted, and with Lycra and support. All my friends want one too. It must end at my knees, lift my boobs, support my tummy and not go transparent when it hits the water. A cute frill (sewn down so it doesn’t billow in the water) or a bit of ruffle is optional. It must fit a size ten on the top and a size twelve… okay… size fourteen at the bottom, with a long body.
I have scoured the internet. The closest I’ve come so far is a picture of a cartoon hippopotamus doing ballet. It’s either that or a wetsuit.
The picture of what you really want depicts someone with no bumps. I can’t imagine it’s going to be any more flattering than Nigella’s burquini thing to anyone who’s any way endowed at all on the hips and bits department.
In any case, I’d be going for a full body coverup in Australia, not out of any modesty or whatever but because frankly it’s easier than the nightmare travesty that is heavy duty sun protection.
But I want it in lycra with support panels and boob padding!
One of the really terrific things about living in Spain for so long was summers spent on the beach. By golly it was refreshing to see how LITTLE folk cared about being ‘beach wear ready’; from tiny lithe teens to grandpa in the winciest speedos, it was all there. Really made me appreciate my own far from perfect cuerpo.
Have at it Jennie! Wear what you like and wear it proudly.
My solution to the beach debut when we were in Waikiki was to go just after sunrise for a quick dip. The rest of the time, I was with the Japanese ladies under umbrellas and visors in a big flinch from the sun.
What about those vintage styles with a little skirt, Jennie? Would that help avert the vag smushing and discomfort?
Vag smushing, M?!? I laughed so hard I scared the dogs.
Vag Smushing is a great name for a novel starring a drunk cop and a shy girl from Wales, or something!
Some of the mix and match at Girls4Sport dot net looks like it might do – there are shorts and knee length pants in swimsuit material, and short sleeve and half length sleeve tops.
Right, I’m moving to Spain. Might be easier than swimsuit shopping. Thanks for the link Eimear: made me think perhaps I just need to get a standard cosy and a pair of board shorts. At least I’d be comfy, if not exactly gorgeous.
Check out what I found. Wow that sounded spam-y.
http://www.asos.com/Asos/Blaak-For-Asos-Rainbow-Half-Catsuit/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=1380145&cid=2623&sh=0&pge=3&pgesize=20&sort=-1&clr=Print
Magic underwear under it?
I am actually tempted… but don’t have 50 euro to be spending.
Wow! That’s filthy-sexy. Reckon it’s for girls without bumps though. Sigh.
Hey Jennie,
These are beautiful swimsuits and have a little skirt detail at the bottom as opposed to the legs that cut in, and they come in halterneck with boob padding too. My friend has one, Im buying one. She’s got lumps and bumps but theyre cleverly disguised. She has the “Marylin” one.
http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/swimwear.html
Hi Ciara
I actually came across these on my merry wanderings. Fabulous, slightly saucy retro costumes but again, they have that cut-across-the-thigh thing that just doesn’t work for me. Truth is I loathe my thighs. If they’d just make these down to the knees… I love the styling.
those pin-up ones are gorgeous. they have similar ones in Retro in the George’s St. Arcade, in all sorts of sizes.
I’ve always had too many pubes for the beach and am revolted by the sun, so have never been in this predicament but would want/need the full Victorian wooden beach changing room around me if I ever did. Nigella is gorgeous whether *huge* or svelte, it’s a pity she went to those lengths though I can understand why she did…I bet the after-ridicuse wasn’t worth it. The secret is to not give a damn. Easier said than done. Hope you have a wonderful time on your hols Jennie. X
Thanks June! I intend to, even if I’m frolicking in my giant Jack Daniels T-shirt and a towel around my waist.
Board shorts are indeed the key my fellow pears! I got a Roxy bikini last year – the top looked great and the bottoms “fit”…sort of…but they definitely cut my thighs in the wrong places.
But Roxy do board shorts that are a “walking short” shape (just above the knee and straight cut) to match all their bikinis! Their shape flatters and they hold in the tummy too. Plus lots of great colours and styles.
Pears rock: soft n juicy, no jarring angles n fiercely individualistic. Bruise easily though.
In a way I think the more you do cover up the more people are likely to stare in a ‘god-is-that-woman-covered-in-feathers?’ or something.
Suz is right though, board shorts are a good alternative if you can’t find anything else.
You’re right. A vintagesque friend of mine gets laughed at on the beach in her skirted swimsuit. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Definitely want a bathing machine…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bathing_machine
Hilarious: “Enjoy the advantages of the sea with the strictest delicacy…”
Thanks for the link! Not sure how to fit it in my suitcase however.
Um, instead of wondering how we can cover up all our “bad bits”, maybe we could talk about how they’re not bad, and sure if it’s for swimming, who gives a toss what you look like? I know one can get very paranoid and I’m not about to go swimming in a G-string bikini, but the conversation around Nigella just kind of reinforced the “well she’s fat so obviously covering up her fatness” point of view, rather than going, “eh, she looked MAD” which she did, sun protection or no.
I think she looks gorgeous and interesting. Thank christ I don’t have paparazzi waiting to snap me coming out of the sea on my holidays though! I’ve a feeling no amount of talking sensibly to myself would get me through that…
If it’s any help I think higher cut bottoms are better on pear shapes because they make the leg appear longer than the lycra shorts that cut the legs off at the wrong point. Spare a thought for us unfortunate apple shapes. I buy swimwear based solely on it’s capability of restraining my ginormous out of proportion knockers and will happily frolic in the waves once there is no risk of any body part escaping and exposing itself. Besides, I work off the idea that most other people are too concerned about their own wobbly bits to pay any attention to mine
Enjoy your holidays!
Great blog. It’s got me thinking about the ‘women as art’ issue. Maybe it’s an ok aspiration, as long as it’s art culture and not pop art we’re trying to be. Even though we reject the barbie influence, we’re so bombarded with it that it gets into the subconscious of even the strong-minded feminists.
How about a change of diet, Jennie?
(isn’t internet great? Didn’t even feel that slap you just gave me)
Media diet. The subconcious-programming kind.
You could unplug your TV connection, rent a weeks worth of European arthouse movies – nothing Hollywood influenced. Almodovar, Betty Blue… anything that loves women for their femininity, not women as pop art.
If your job allows, you could stop reading anything with celebrity gossip, or adverts (or airbrushed swimwear pics!)
I have the same problem with swimwear. Maybe I’ll start thinking of it like wellies – unflattering but practical.
Actually, Deirdre, I WAS thinking that at core the problem is not the swimsuits but me — yes, I could lose a pound or ten — so your diet joke was actually bang-on.
I gave up on Hello mag some years ago, never buy ladymags, but love the curious fashion-fun-fat balance in the Sunday Times Style mag, which seems to have its tongue firmly in its cheek. Still, the rot seeps in. I think the problem is looking in the mirror actually…
I, like you, have decided to opt for practicality over fashion and have now bought a Speedo swimsuit that morphs into shorts at the bottom, kinda like cycling shorts. Looks awful tho so now I’m gonna get board shorts to cover it up, which is kinda funny really.
Oh but Jennie, I meant the insidious diet of advertising that it’s so hard for us all to avoid. I didn’t mean lose a few pounds.
Isn’t it the case that the purpose of advertising is to make us slightly dissatisfied with what we have, and then to believe that their car/cereal/underwear will make us ok again – socially acceptable? And advertising is EVERYWHERE now – not just in the obvious places like ads. It has become our pop culture.
It is maybe most damaging in its effect on our body image. The body that will apparently make us satisfied and socially acceptable is that of a 16 year old athlete. You aren’t a 16 year old athlete I think, so why should you look like one? You are probably much more interesting to talk to. You probably have the body of someone who writes or is a mother or does whatever intelligent pursuits you do. If you had spent your adult life up to now training as an athlete, then you’d look different, but what kind of world would it be without writers and thinkers and mothers? Or musicians, actors, poets, activists, inventors, scientists…..
You’ve got to love those thighs. They represent who you are, who you used to be, the roads you’ve taken, sacrifices you’ve made.
Isn’t that lovely? I’m going to tell myself all of that now too.
Oh, I got that Deirdre, don’t be a-worrying. Truth is I really had been thinking that the problem is not my unhappiness with my cossies but with bodies (well, mine) and yes, that’s another story all together, a whole new kettle of sleek, firm, airbrushed fish.
Thank-you though. I shall love my thighs; however, for now possibly only when the lights are out. Love yours too, ya delicious pear!