A couple I know recently adopted two little boys. The boys are four and five years old and had a very difficult start in life. I only know tiny bits of their history (I wouldn’t ask – it’s none of my business) but what I do know was enough to bring tears to my eyes. Initially, I welled up because of what the boys had seen and been through; then I welled up with gratitude that they had been removed from that situation and placed at the centre of a loving home and family.
These boys will be loved and cherished for the rest of their days. They now have the opportunity to have a childhood. They are part of an extended family which has embraced them and folded them into its bosom, letting them know that they are loved and accepted and wanted.
Should the unthinkable happen – and one of their parents become incapable, for whatever reason, of taking care of them – the other parent will step in and assume the role of sole care-giver. As is only right, of course, because they have adopted the boys together.
It’s just as well they’re in the UK, so, because they’d never get that security here in Ireland. You see, my friends – the adoptive parents – are gay. They have been in a committed relationship for over ten years, and five years ago, they become legally recognised as a couple. At the beginning of this year the adoption of their boys was finalised.
In Ireland, it is perfectly legal for a gay person to adopt a child – as a single person. Even if they are in a relationship, the non-adopting partner will not have equal parental rights – even though their relationship will have been taken into consideration during the adoption process.
This issue is back in the news again in Ireland because we have a new incoming government. They are ‘looking at things’ and trying to see what they can do to improve matters for citizens and residents.
I am stunned that we are even having a discussion about this. Why shouldn’t gay people be allowed to marry? Why shouldn’t they be allowed to adopt children as a couple? Surely the focus of any adoptive legislation should be on the child/ren involved and the perceived ability of the potential adoptive parents to parent?
Surely, as a nation, we should grow up and stop worrying about what loving, consenting adults do in their bedrooms? Surely, what is important is that the parents love each other and their children? Surely, all that matters is that children are loved, safe, secure and have their needs met? Surely, what their parents do or don’t do to express their love for each other in private is irrelevant?
I have heard the argument that the ‘ideal’ is for every child is to be brought up in a family with a mother and a father. And that’s marvellous – but guess what? Ideals are things we strive for, not standards that we impose as minimums and then use to punish people who don’t meet these minimums.
If we are to apply the ‘rule of ideals’ across the board and extrapolate it into every situation, I guess I should get my children ready to be taken into care. I’m a divorced woman with two children. That’s not ideal. My eldest child has not seen – or heard from – her father in five years. My youngest has never seen her father. Well, that’s not ideal either, is it?
I find it very difficult to comprehend how anyone would fight to deny a child a loving, secure, safe home. I am reminded of my own childhood. My parents were heterosexual and married to each other. For the first 15 years of my life, I went to bed worrying about which one of the heterosexual males floating around would get into bed beside me on any given night. I cried myself to sleep every night of my life until I was 20.
If you had offered me the choice between living with two, married heterosexual parents and suffering abuse – physical, mental, emotional, psychological and sexual – every day of my life and living with two homosexual parents who loved each other and loved me, I would have walked across hot coals to get access to the latter.
Heck! I’d have gone to live with two homosexual orang utans if it would have meant that I would have been safe.
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Nuala Ní Chonchúir
Sorry to hear those awful things happened to you, you didn’t deserve any of it and your parents should have protected you.
I wholeheartedly agree with the rest of your post, once children are brought up in a safe, loving home and are fed and warm and secure and sent to school and occassionally brought for treats (!) and have a family around them, does it matter what part of the parents’ anatomy goes where in the bedroom?
Thank you, Hazel Katherine, for putting it so well.
And an enjoyable International Women’s Day to all the women of The Anti-Room, with thanks for the intellectual stimulation, the company and the laughs.
Thanks, David! Much appreciated.
Thanks, David! I think I speak for all the Anti Roomers when I say we appreciate your kind comments.
Thanks, too, for taking the time to read and comment on this post.
HK
This is a great post Hazel. It articulates perfectly the awful inequality that still exists in Ireland in relation to gay rights. I am just so sorry that your articulation is so effective due to your own suffering of abuse. I am deeply shocked by that. x
Thanks, Barbara. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this post. In the past few months, I have decided that I could hold my tongue and say nothing about what I went through when I was young but have been inspired by other people who are speaking out. The more of us who do – the more of us who will! The dark corners of secrecy help this kind of evil to flourish.
Hazel x
Hazel, hugs to you, happy Womens Day x
Hi Aisling!
How lovely to connect with you on here!
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment – and Happy International Women’s Day to you, too.
HK
Very brave of you Hazel. And of course you are right – although I would defend the right of the church not to marry gay people. But who cares much about that. If that was the only issue you raise there would be nothing to say but hear, hear. But you do raise another: to what extent are the things that happen to us inevitable, bad beginnings, bad outcomes. I have never believed in historical inevitability. At the heart of many -not all- of the things that happen to us is choice and judgement. I can’t quite forget that although sometimes I wish I could.
Thanks for reading and responding, Charlie.
I have to say, I agree with you regarding a Church’s right to refuse to marry people. A religion is an institution with its own rules and regulations. If one wants to be a part of that organisation, one must be bound by the rules – or try to change them.
The only point I intended for this post was to highlight that people who love children and want the best for them, and are prepared to commit to those children deserve to be parents, no matter their sexual orientation. The only reason I referred to my own experiences was to highlight that the ‘ideal’ isn’t always so ideal.
HK
Thank you for your post Hazel.
I wholeheartedly agree with you about gay couples marrying and adopting children. Love is love and should be celebrated in all its splendor and many forms. I’ve always been raised to know God loves us all no matter what and we should do the same.
And I’m so sorry for what happened to you as a child; you are a strong and courageous person for speaking out.
Happy International Women’s Day to you.
Love is love, indeed, Lara.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this post. Thanks, too for your kind expression of sympathy.
And Happy International Women’s Day to you, too.
HK
Extreemly brave and important post, Hazel Katherine. You must be one strong person.
I don’t buy the “ideal” as being children having a mother and a father for the very reasons you have outlined in this post. Whose ideal? Those who happened to luck into a happy mother and father unit? (of which I am one, btw).
A 25 year long US study of who children were best off with found the answer to be those with two mothers – ie: raised by lesbians.
I think the truth is where you put it. Children are best off with parents who love them and take proper care of them.
Close minded, ignorant and prejudiced people who condemn how others choose to organise their family units should not be our policy makers.
What an amazing heart-rending warm but sad post! It’s so logical that it barely warrants comment. Those two little boys are very lucky and will flourish in a loving environment. Many of us are from ‘hetero’ set-ups that were abusive and corroding to the extreme so it’s a cinch to see the wood from the trees. But for the hardcore anti-gay (and usually religious, by virtue) lobby who are 300% obsessed with all things sex to the detriment of all things heart, the thoughts of gay parents is ignoble and immoral. They would of course prefer flagrant abusers once they were in a mammy/daddy situation and traipsed along to whatever pulpit of choice on a Sunday. There’ll be a long battle ahead here to rid the delirious prejudices that are almost laminated into the Irish psyche. Two friends in the North (two women) both working in social care/policy and who had already had a child together, were then halted from adopting and eventually fostered a second child on a long-term basis. The ironies were incredible as one worked in an outfit that supports the care and future survival of abused children, but still they came up against incredible prejudice. Of course the only losers here are the children in need of new life.
Hi June!
Thanks for your comment. You’re right, of course, the ones who lose are the children denied the stability of a permanent, loving home. We can only hope that our new government realises how the current state of affairs does not serve the children. Also, it’s illogical that Irish laws currently accept that gay couples can be excellent foster parents yet do not accept that they can be excellent adoptive parents.
Hazel
Hi Hazel, I just discovered this blog today, it is a great credit to you all.
I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiments and so glad you can speak out about your own experiences as a child. Having someone as articulate as yourself voicing a story that has happened too often can only help someone who was or is, in that situation.
I am going to save this great blog on my favourites.
Hi Brigid!
Delighted you’ve found The Anti Room and really thrilled that you’re going to ‘favourite’ us.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this post. People who are fit parents should be allowed to parent – and those who aren’t should be helped or have their children removed – and being gay or straight shouldn’t come into it.
HK
GOD, that is so awful.
I recently read an article about how abuse in lesbian households (with children) is at 0%
0% !!!!!!!!!!!
That whole psychological bull crap about how children need a “male” AND a “female” figure is just that…crap.
As long as they are raised in a loving household where they feel safe, secure, positive, and loved – that’s what’s most important. Hopefully more “political” idiots will begin to realize this and thus broaden gay rights.
Couldn’t agree with you more, Michi! We are hopeful that the new government here in Ireland will do something about gay rights here. We’ve a long way to go.
HK
Brilliant post Hazel Katherine.
Couldn’t agree with you more – sometimes the most ‘ordinary’ situations are the most threatening and evil ones.
I hope this government can make the step forward that’s needed.