About six weeks ago, I got myself a puppy. A black cocker spaniel, whom I have named Boo. Ever since I was a child, I’ve wanted to have a dog, but unfortunately, my dad – a lovely dad in every other way – is not keen on animals. So no dog as a child. No dog later, either. Student life, followed by years of travelling, more years of living abroad, then more years of shared living, apartment and no-pet living, and then a cottage with no garden all meant I couldn’t have a dog.
But I do now finally have a garden, and hence I am finally able to have a hound. I don’t have the dog long, but she’s cute and smart: she can sit, lie down, give the paw, stay, and walk on a lead pretty well. So far, so predictable.
But what has surprised and annoyed me in these weeks since I’ve had a dog is the number of people – all women – who look at the dog and look at me, and say things along the lines of, “Oh, she knows who her mummy is!” or “where’s your mummy? (never, I note with dry interest, ‘where’s your mammy?’)
I’m flummoxed by this figure of speech. Boo is a dog, not a child. At the vet, where I brought her for a booster injection, two women declaimed thus. Female strangers on the street, admiring her, all say the same. Every single day when I’m out walking her. Even friends who call to my house also use the same term, until I ask them not to, because, frankly, it makes me cringe.
I have a dog. I am not her mummy. I’m the dog’s owner. Her four-legged golden cocker spaniel mother resides in rural Galway. My puppy Boo – sweet and smart as she is – is a dog and not a human being and will be treated like the dog she is. Of course I’ll take good care of her, but I am baffled as to why people want to humanise an animal, or automatically assume that your role of owner makes you that animal’s “mummy”. If it is simply a figure of speech, it’s a weird and uncomfortable one, and I wonder why it is only women who use it?
How very interesting, Rosita! I’d never thought about this – not ever having (or, indeed, wanting) a dog.
What do you say to offenders? ‘I’m her owner, not her mam!’ or ‘Are you implying that I’m a bitch?’ or ‘No…..er…..this is a *dog*’ or do you just grin and cringe?
By the way, Boo is a lovely name.
Hx
That doesn’t bother me so much as the pet owners who treat their animals like people. Cats and dogs are not people.
Hi Hazel!
What do I say to people? It can be tricky, as a fair few friends have used this term and I don’t like picking them up on it as it seems rude. I didn’t in the beginning, but it has happened so often an irritates me so much that now i simply say – politely, I hope – something along the lines of, “She’s a dog, and I’m her owner.” I did ask a few people why they used the term and the responses varied from a) being insulted b) admitting they had never thought about it before. But my point really was – why it is ONLY women who use this expression?
It’s funny, I was a bit freaked out when our vet was calling me (our cat) Elmo’s ‘Dad’. It didn’t offend me or anything -just seemed really odd.
On the flip side of the coin, as Elmo has been in our life going on 13 years now, we often refer to him (jokingly) as ‘our first born’. Just to freak people out.
I totally agree. I spend some time on a mostly American forum and some people on there refer to their “fur children”, a term which makes me gag.
And if someone reports that their pet has died? While that is very sad (I know, it’s happened to me a few times) it doesn’t begin to compare to losing a child and it is offensive to equate them.
Cute puppy!
Oh my gosh, what a gorgeous puppy! Wish you all the best with her.
The ‘mummy’ thing is weird, I know, but I suppose it is an affection thing. Frankly I would never refer to any of my creatures as anything other than the cats and the dog, but that’s just me.
“Fur children”!? That is a new one on me, Tricia. Fur children…. Jesus had wet stuff coming out of his eyes…
I used to be one of those people that made fun of those dog lovers that referred to themselves as mommy and daddy. It actually used to make me not like the dog. Then I got a dog, and although I didn’t refer to myself as the pooch’s mom, my husband did. I let it slide (pick your battles). But the odd thing is… when my son came along (this was when he was a baby, he really didn’t understand what I meant) I called the dog his sister. Saying, “don’t hit your sister!” or “Be nice to your sister!” Odd, I know. I don’t do that anymore…he is 5 and might think I was crazy.
This is such an interesting piece! As someone who has always had cats since my childhood I’ve never felt comfortable referring to myself as their “mummy” – I have noticed that in recent years many of my females friends have adopted this figure of speech and in these cases, “mummy” of their pets is a big part of their personal identity. The connection b/w women and their pets is an interesting one – take for instance this idea/saying that a single woman will grow old and have a ton of cats (this is a joke that is usually said to single women reminding them of what the future holds for them w/out a “husband” and “kids” but I’ve also heard even my closest friends who happen to be single use this to sum up their future – joke okay, but is it that funny? and would we ever say the same to a single man?). And for awhile I remember a great deal of joking about lesbians and dogs – most of which came from my friends who are gay – something along the lines of “well, I’ll just move to xx and get myself a dog!”
I’d be interested in exploring how “real” these assumed “associations” b/w various groups of women and pets are – and, again the key here being the focus on women.
Also, I’m very interested in the even broader relationship this all has to motherhood and the pervasive image of “mother” in society and perhaps our determination to subscribe this status/role to women (which I’m assuming was perhaps where you were going w/ this?) regardless of whether they have children. One could also equally inquire about the need to self-identify as a “mother” – I for one would be quite hesitant about challenging my close friends whom refer to themselves as their pets’ “mummy” – I’ve listened to enough stories and seen enough of their facebook statuses (even) to know that this is an important part of their identity and life. I think the situation is extremely confounded by the fact that in the past when I have dared to address this even slightly I’ve been met w/ comments targeting my ability to understand the nurturing love and relationship that exists b/w a pet and her owner (“mummy”) but framed in a way that hints towards me being rather cold, ruthless – you know, not exactly “mummy” material, here.
And, lastly, I’m curious of the connection b/w this and whether there’s children involved? As I said at the start, I’ve only ever had cats – and even they have been quite independent: coming and going as they wish, not too much maintenance, etc. I haven’t had a dog so am not sure what exactly goes into it but recently I’ve observed a very large number of friends who are in serious, committed relationships journeying to “parenthood” and children but starting off w/ a dog? I’ve found myself engaging in conversations w/ different women where after relaying a story about their dogs they conclude with: “see? it’s just like having a baby!” or various other comparisons b/w their animal and my child. I get it to some degree – both pets and children involve a lot of responsibility and most develop extremely close ties w/ their animals. However, I also think there’s a lot more going on w/ all this than we’ve really taken the time to consider before….
ah, cheers again for such a terrific piece!
I call my dogs ‘my best little girl’ and ‘my best little boy’. I call them my furbabies, although I don’t refer to myself as their mum. I know I am over the top but I don’t care. I don’t have children yet and somehow my dogs have filled that hole until I am able for real babies.
Animals should be part of the family. I’m not saying that they are like children (and should never be equated to a child dying!!), I’m simply saying that they are distinct members of the family.
They give me so much joy and happiness, they look to me to take care of them, they calm me down after a stressful say, I miss them when I am at work. These are all feelings I’m sure parents would have too.
I spend a lot of time working with animals, I volunteer in an animal shelter, and animals have very distinct personalities. They are not human, but have many human characteristics. They are also easier than humans and I think that’s why (some of us) project human persona’s on to them.
That’s just my perspective…
God don’t ya just hate it when people get proto-residual anthropomorphological all over you. Ok, I made that up, but there’s likely enough a few bukes out there on the subject of the confusion that some people have about their roles with pets. I’m awful glad to see the line you’re taking with it all, Rosita. I was expecting no pseudo-Freudo-toffo codology and by Chrisht that’s exactly what I got.
It works both ways, of course, and the dog can get confused too. We thought our own golden cocker, Jimmy, was awful cute when he slithered up on the sofa. Took a smart woman to tell us that the climbing (he ended up on top of the sofa’s highest point, and would growl if we tried to shift him) was all part of his push for pack leadership. Man did we feel like gobdaws. She was right, and it took us a couple of years to straighten him out.
So. A place for everything, and everything in its place. Including you and Boo and the odd haiku.
All the above is really interesting. Arlene, that ain’t my puppy i have to admit, as I don’t have a camera, thus no pictures, but it is a picture of some internet hound who does look just like mine.
Compulsive Writer, i think language works its way into our lives in quite insidious ways, without us even noticing sometimes. Like you calling your dog “sister” once your little lad arrived. I just think it’s interesting.I’m sure you’re not the only one.
Christina b – your post nails lots of things, in this weird hinterland of animal, human and dependency. All of which i agree with!
@jenbeardublin This makes it twice in one day I’ve heard the expression “fur children” and “furbabies”! They’re your dogs, so you call them what you like, and make no apology for it, as you don’t. I’d be interested to know if you apply the same terminology to other pet owners, though? Do you refer to pet owners as “Mummy”? Would you call male pet owners “Daddy”?
Nick – my new favourite word all over again is gobdaw. Thank you for reminding me of its charms. Gobdaw, gobdaw, gobdaw!
You’ve just made a politically unpopular statement but kudos to you for stating how you feel.
a Google search on ‘why anthropomorphize dogs’ turns up thousands of articles. I didn’t find an answer there for you but it did offer interesting reading.
Best of luck w/Boo – dogs are in and of themselves zen.
I can’t understand why people in relationships would get a dog as a prelude to having children. I grew up with dogs and I love them. I am often referred to as certain extended family dogs’ ‘auntie’ which doesn’t bother me although I think I’d be less impressed with actual nieces and nephews addressing me as Aunt Jenny. I don’t have any yet to test this theory. I do, however, have children and to get back to my original point, they are much less responsibility than dogs. Although I do have to run them a few times a week, it is okay to occasionally feed them junk food, I don’t have to put them in quarantine when I move country or find kennels when I go on holiday. Although they have been known to knock over a few stands in shops, they are generally admitted and have never peed on the floor. Most of my friends happily welcome them into their homes probably because they don’t shed or chew the furniture and when they get to a certain age there are establishments I can send them to for a few hours a day that will educate them for me. By the time they are teens they will mostly be in other people’s houses or their bedrooms, will be able to make their own relatively sensible decisions, taking responsibility for the bad ones and exercise themselves, hopefully without getting knocked down and it is unlikely I will have to go through the pain of watching them slow into old age.
Having a dog, whether you’re ‘mummy’ or not is a hell of a long term commitment and I have utmost respect for anyone who undertakes it. I hope one day I’ll be ready.
You’ve made me really think about all this and why I use the terms I do, which I’m sure is what you set out to do.
For me the term furbaby differentiates them from actual children, which they are not, while still recognising that there is a nurturing relationship there.
I don’t refer to myself as mummy, but I think the term daddy would also apply to men in that situation. I think it’s in our nature to anthropomorphise. I also think this perhaps in women’s natures to be more nuturing and therefore more likley to refer to other women or themselves as mummy. I have nothing to back that up with except my own musings.
Hmm, I find the furbaby/Mummy thing a bit yuck, my position being that I have two dogs, and we have a mutually affectionate relationship, but I can’t think of anyone who’s ever referred to me as their “mummy”! Thank God.
I highly recommend the film Best in Show (http://bestinshowonline.warnerbros.com/) for anyone interested in the dog/human dynamic. I thought it was a really funny film.
Enjoy Boo.
Anthropomorphism is a common trait among pet owners. Just as giving a dog a human’s name is. The pets seem to enjoy the attention – even when just talking to them and making eye contact. Toy dogs especially.
I think it’s early days Rosita, 6 weeks is a very short time to know where you stand on being “mammy” (not a fan of mummy either) to your dog.
I say this only because I have been through it myself.
I thought I was that person, the one who abhors people referring to themselves as the mammy of their dog. I would snigger with my friend as we discussed her sister in law who was always “mammy” to her pets. I just didn’t get it. My family always had dogs when I was growing up. We loved them dearly but they were dogs and they had their place.
Then I got a dog of my own. Like you Rosita I had to wait. I lived in a flat for years so that was a no go, then our first house had no out door space. Our second house wasn’t much better but a workmate convinced me the time was right so I finally adopted a puppy from the pound.
My best friend warned me not to fall into the “mammy” trap. But despite all my previous thoughts on the subject it slowly began to creep in.
My boyfriend would say “Dusty loves his mammy” because he followed me everywhere. He would curl up on my feet every time I stood still while cooking. Despite me trying not fawn over him and trying be the pack leader type the books were telling me to be, this little dog was melting my heart and turning me into a mammy. I was morto at first. What would I do if my buddy overheard me or my partner saying it out loud?
That was almost 5 years ago. Dusty has now been joined by two more dogs.
I don’t have any children of my own but I raise my step son with my partner, he is not a baby though and I am pretty sure I am pouring my unused baby maternal instincts into my furry friends. I can’t help it, it’s inherent. I am not the only one who thinks so “It’s like having 3 babies” my mother says, and she had 7 kids.
Like Jenny Foxe above I now know how much work & commitment goes into looking after 3 dogs, how their loyalty, unconditional love & affection brings such happiness.
So I have come to accept being “mammy” to my dogs and I don’t think it is particularly outrageous a concept anymore.
I get it now.
Hi Una – six weeks or six years, i know myself well enough to know that i will never think of my dog as anything other than my dog. I ain’t her mummy now, or her mammy, and i will never be. Obviously, other people have different relationships with their pets, and I can’t speak for them, but I do know where I am on this.
What an interesting post and replies. I’ve never heard of the dog owner mammy calling thing before! Each to their own but it’s a bit much to presume it’s ok to call you Rosita, Boo’s mummy.
Maybe they think ‘owner’ is too cold or sounds a bit dominating rather than loving? What other words are there for the role of pet-haver? Minder? I find that ‘owner’ doesn’t quite capture the reciprocity of the human-pet relationship!
No one has ever said that I’m our cats Mummy and I think I just say their ‘our’ cats. They do feel like part of the family though!
@Christine b. I like your musings! I’m a single (mammy – to a child type mammy) and I like cats. I think I might like a dog too someday. I know a few relationships where I reckon the woman would be far better off with pets rather than their childish husbands. But you’re not allowed to suggest that – just the converse of course
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I have a god-dog…although that’s kind of a jokey term, it does sum up the relationship with the dog quite well. I take her to the vet when my friend can’t and if anything ever happens that means her owner can’t look after her, I will take over. It also means I can borrow her occasionally and have the fun of a dog without the commitment.
The idea of being called ‘dog mummy’ by others is so boak making to me it actually makes me physically cringe. If you want to call yourself that then fine, but I loathe implicit suggestion that because I’m a woman I want something to ‘mother’. Nothing could be further from the truth. I do not want children. I barely want a pet. The idea of parenting is anathema to me. But that’s my choice and I don’t put it on anyone else, so I wish to god they wouldn’t do it to me back.
Very cute pooch and not so much a revelation to me that people over-emphasise their relationship with their pets, calling them ‘children’ and so on. I worked in Pet Plan Insurance in London many moons ago when pet insurance for domestic pets was a new and honoured thing. I met a crazy ass who decided to breastfeed her puppies (by gettting an injection from the doctor if I remember rightly) when the bitch/mother died and another woman who wanted it written into her insurance policy that she be buried with her dogs. Nothing surprises me. PS. I thought you were going to call the pooch ‘Moo’ or did I drink too much wine that night?
I worry my dog may be emotionally distant. I tell her I love her all the time, but not once has she said it back to me
I’m with you on the absurdity and awfulness of it. It reminds me of an in-law who used to call me ‘Mummy’ in front of my children when visiting me, probably thinking she was doing the right thing by not confusing the poor dears through using my first name. Made me inclined to bang saucepan lids and retreat to the furthest room with a gin.
Oh dear. Mea culpa.
Sorry Rosita — I’m happy mummy to both my woofs, my fella is their daddy, we refer to each other as “mummy” and “daddy” when we’re talking to the dogs (cringe all you will — I know, I know), and the kids (human ones of the teenager variety) call the dogs their sisters. They are spoiled rotten pound puppies, but certainly not a child substitute, and we don’t feel we own them at all, any more than we own our children; we just think of them as family.
*hangs head in shame*
Only difference is we don’t let them on the couch. The dogs, that is.
ps. You met Sasha ages ago — isn’t she just the prettiest little daddy’s girl? Tee-hee. You’ll be relieved to know that Squeaky has lost its squeak though…
Quite right Rosita! I had never encountered this practise before, not being a “doggy person” myself. Then just two days after reading your sensible comments I was leaving the school and a little dog was tethered to the gate. “Why is he so happy Mum?” A little girl enquired when confronted by the tail-wagging, jumpy little ball of fur. “He’s happy to see his mummy” said the woman, referring to HERSELF! Huh! Madness I tells ya.