“every day, every hour, every minute and every second, somewhere in the world, women – irrespective of race, colour or religion – are being subjected to violence and abuse”.
When I was just a child my father extended the hand of friendship to a woman he knew only slightly; a customer who regularly came into a shop he ran in Dublin. Suspecting that all was not entirely well he overcame his natural reticence and indicated to her that if she ever needed a friendly and sympathetic ear he would be willing to provide it.
Shortly afterwards, at 2am one morning, this woman arrived at our house with her three young children in tow. She had once again been beaten by her husband but now, for the first time, she had somewhere to turn. My parents asked no questions. They merely opened their home to this woman whose own family had disowned her for marrying a man who they believed was no good. Several of us vacated our beds and shared with our siblings to make room for these late night callers. The next morning they left with hardly a word but returned several times over the years until finally this woman mustered the courage to leave her abusive husband. What was extraordinary to me was the fact that this woman was a professional with a good income of her own and the financial if not emotional wherewithal to leave anytime she chose to. I have never forgotten her story.
We have probably all encountered the scourge of domestic violence, even if unwittingly. The veil of secrecy that still conceals this dysfunction in our society is to this day preventing women, and indeed many men, from seeking the help and support they so desperately need for themselves and their children. Today in the Irish Times Health Plus supplement I was given the opportunity to highlight some of the work being done by Women’s Aid and Avon here in Ireland and to specifically draw attention to an extraordinary poster exhibition taking place in the Lighthouse Cinema in Smithfield until December 10 2010. I’d be delighted if you followed the link and read my piece. For those interested in visiting the Lighthouse Cinema here is information on the poster exhibition, as compiled by Anthea McTeirnan in the Irish Times today.
“More than 400 posters highlighting the issue of violence against women, curated by former Garda Colm Dempsey, are on show at The Light House Cinema in Smithfield, Dublin. The exhibition is part of Women’s Aid “One in Five Women” 16 Days Campaign, which runs until December 10th.
Director of Women’s Aid, Margaret Martin, says the exhibition highlights the facts that “every day, every hour, every minute and every second, somewhere in the world, women – irrespective of race, colour or religion – are being subjected to violence and abuse”.
“In an era when we are overloaded with images, words and sounds, the powerful graphics in these posters can help us realise the enormity of living with someone who abuses you. For women who are experiencing abuse, they also reach out to show that help is available and they are not alone, that support is available.”
The free exhibition is open to the public and runs daily from 2pm-8pm. The Women’s Aid national freephone helpline is at 1800-341900. womensaid.ie
Anthea McTeirnan
Croí na Duibhlinn
Aoife Barry
Aoife McLysaght
Arlene Hunt
Attracta McCarthy-McKenna
clairehennessy
Ann Cronin
Amanda Brown
Eleanor Fitzsimons
Edel Coffey
Anna Carey
Lauren Murphy
Jennie Ridyard
Jude Leavy
Hazel Katherine Larkin
Léan Ní Chuilleanáin
Leigh
Lisa McInerney
Laura Slattery
Maman Poulet
Megan McGurk
Clare Kleinedler
Molly
Rosita Boland
Catherine Crichton
Sinéad Gleeson
sarahefranklin
siobhandowling
Susan Daly
theantiroom
Nuala Ní Chonchúir
Eleanor, thanks – once again – for focusing on an issue that doesn’t get the exposure commensurate with how prevalent it is in our society/our community it is. I guess domestic violence isn’t considered ‘sexy’ enough.
Very moved by your father’s actions – sometimes the mere acknowledgement by someone that they recognise what is happening is all that is needed to give someone the courage to seek help, even if it’s temporary, and again and again, until they finally find a permanent release. (Although sadly, this is not always the case).
When I hear people say – well, why didn’t she seek help? – I don’t think they are taking into account the sense of isolation and shame that victims feel.
Great show in the IT too, very well done.
Thanks Susan,
That experience has stayed with me and so I was delighted to have the opportunity to highlight this issue.
What your father did was inspiring, often people are unsure what to do in situations like that. They wonder whether or not to get involved. I hope that that woman and her children have managed to rebuild their lives just as countless victims of domestic abuse try to, with the help of organisations like Women’s Aid, and the kindness of strangers, friends and family.
My Dad was very hesitant about getting involved but very glad he did. I’m afraid I don’t know the end of the story as we lost touch but I sincerely hope all involved had happy lives.
Great piece Eleanor. I have always been amazed at how many women will cover up their bruises out of shame and embarrassment or how their abusers will sometimes inflict bruises where they know they will not be seen. It is just another form of abuse that women cover up, taking the blame on themselves. Your father was fantastic to be so kind to that woman. He gave her and her children a refuge, but ultimately, she had to make the decision to leave him. If a man hits once, he will hit again. There is never any excuse for violence. Whilst on a family holiday a few years ago, a child from a family we had gotten to know came to me because his mother’s boyfriend had beaten her up. Myself and my husband dashed over to the house. The woman had three children of her own and her partner had also three children, all present. The first thing she said to me was that “he was a lovely fella when he wasn’t drinking”. She had gone drinking with him that night, obviously worrying that he would turn violent. We told her that the children were terrified and she turned to his kids and said “you don’t want your daddy to leave, do you”. It was such a sad situation and I have to say I came home from holidays very upset and have thought about them children ever since. I wondered how long this violent man’s behavious was going to be tolerated and excused, and ultimately unless that woman sought help for herself and her children, but I suspected her co-dependence would blight all their lives for a long time to come.
Thanks Susan, That terrible sense of worthlessness must be very difficult to rise above. Perhaps a helping hand at the right moment can make the difference. They story you tell is horrific – those poor children and that poor women. You did such a brave and decent thing by intervening. It’s up to her after that I suppose.
Recently I learned that an aquaintance who has a young child was being hit by her boyfriend. She insisted that he was “always very sorry” afterwards. Myself and another girl pleaded with her to dump him and thankfully she did. It’s all too common sadly.
Here’s an excerpt from my dead mentor/pal Nuala O’Faolain on this subject, written in the Irish Times on 6 January 1997:
…Something goes wrong: the man doesn’t get what he wants, or perceives some other outrage, and the sleeping giant of his physical strength grunts into life. It can’t be easy to batter someone to death. You have to be raging with hate and fury to do it. But there seems to be no shortage of men full enough of hatred to do it.
Men kill women because they can. But when things are equal – when everyone has equal access to handguns, and women have equal opportunities for murder – men still kill far more women than women kill men. The potential violence of men towards women – the readiness with which they will rape and batter and murder – is part of the context within which the equable and affectionate relationships between the mass of men and women take place. But as far as I know men rarely talk about male violence, or initiate debates on it, or introduce legislation about it, or form organisations to tackle it, or stand as candidates on the issue of it, or attempt to mount big attitude-changing campaigns about it as they have done about other life-threatening matters.
Men just do this sort of thing, we’re told. If a girl takes a lift home at night in a car with two men in it – two low human beings, fellow creations, made like her of heart and mind and soul – she must understand what is likely to happen to her. No one takes responsibility for this fact, extraordinary as it is. Men don’t. It is shunted on to the agenda of women’s committees. Being afraid to go out the door because you are a woman is supposed to be a woman’s problem. It is a woman’s problem, but its solution is not. Its solution lies with humankind, but primarily with men…
Nuala wrote so beautifully and often bravely but I’d take issue with her here. She paints a very bleak picture and concocts a dispiriting “them versus us” struggle.
In my experience the vast, vast majority of men are ordinary decent human beings who love their mothers, sisters, wives and daughters and who have respect for other people. Most men find the idea of hitting a woman- the idea of hitting anyone in fact – absolutely abhorrent.
I think it’s important to remind ourselves of this. Though they cause terrible pain and anguish and can wreak havoc in society, the men who are violent are a tiny minority.
Yes, she goes on to say much much more, including how we should take the gender out of the argument and talk about it from a citizen-rights point of view, but then reverts back at the end! Her columns were often frustrating for exactly this reason, she could veer over and back and have you laughing in agreement one minute, screaming blue murder the next. Alas, I only picked out a small excerpt.
I must seek out the full piece. She is always worth reading. I love picking up “Are You Somebody” from time to time and reading at random. A great talent and a great loss.
A new collection of her columns is well worth a read: ‘A More Complex Truth: Selected Writings’. I picked it up in the library. Actually her column on domestic violence, in totality, so so worth a read. Some brilliant ‘subtle’ observations splattered through it as well as the more in-yer-face type I quoted above (just to rile!). Such a searingly honest writer.
“men still kill far more women than women kill men”
Men also kill far, far more other men than they kill women. It seems sexist to constantly bewail the male violence against women while ignoring the far more prevalent male violence against men.
I understand what you’re saying and it’s a valid point. But take for instance the police in Northern Ireland – who released shocking stats this week which show that their officers deal with domestic violence cases on average, every 20 minutes. And of those cases 95% are violence by men, committed on women and children. I think when we’re discussing ‘domestic violence’ as opposed to general societal violence, it is mostly between couples and those in relationships. It’s a specific category. I have to say as well that in the first instance, when I began writing articles, I wrote a lot about domestic violence against men by their partners, and fully acknowledge the extent of the problem there too and the fact that most of these incidents go unreported out of fear, shame, etc. However, it also doesn’t deflect from the fact that domestic violence is extremely prevalent in our society and a lot of women are getting battered to a pulp in their assumed place of refuge: the home.
I think it is very important to acknowledge this Shane. Sometimes parents of daughters tell me I’m lucky to have sons but I worry for their safety in our increasingly violent and angry society.
I start from the perspective that there is a fairly high proportion of violent males, always has been and probably always will be. The reason police, courts and armies exist is to defend ordinary people from those aggressive people.
Perhaps victims of violence should not be seen as male or female, but human. Attacks, seeing as they target both men and women, must not be collective attacks on a sex, but individual attacks on other individuals. By focusing on the sex of the victim it seems to divide the victims, to suggest that some victims deserve it or that some suffer less than others.
The nature of the victim doesn’t matter, I think! Violence by men against women is criminal in Ireland and punishable by law, just as violence by men on other men is. So I wouldn’t interpret individual acts of violence against women as evidence as some wider societal sexism. Domestic violence is despicable but I don’t see how it implies any wider sexism. ALL unprovoked violence is bad!
It is sensible indeed for young women to be careful with strangers late at night, just as it’s sensible for young men to be careful. That may be sad, but such is life, there are dangerous people and we need to be ready to defend ourselves from them.
In case I’m being the Scrooge of these comments, I am also appalled by domestic violence and I’m all gung ho for harsh penalties!
As far as I understand it, feminism is a political stance. I don’t know if domestic violence is a political issue, though. Rather it’s a crime/justice issue.