My thoughts on this year’s Oscars, as distilled into Twitter-sized chunks for your reading pleasure:
Like Kate Winslet, I too practised my acceptance speech in the mirror, except I was holding a Toilet Duck. I fear this is where I may have gone wrong in life.
Beyonce, you look like something that fell out of a jaysis box of Dairy Milk. Great arse though as always.
Lest I be derided on here by some twatty alpha male type for being too bitchy against the sisterhood, I’m gonna go equal opportunities on this. Sean Penn, you looked like a right knob too.
The gowns are ridiculously underwhelming this year. Points off Angelina for missing a great opportunity to go batshit, sartorially speaking.
Do not seem to be alone in my appreciation of Dustin Lance Black. Very sad Mike
Leigh did not win, but was more than happy to ogle at the very cute Black. KILLER speech.
Michael Shannon got absolutely fucking robbed. That is all.
The amount of mutual arse-licking and backslapping going on during the ceremony always turns my stomach. You’d think I’d change the channel to spare my digestive health, but no.
Surprised that Departures won best foreign feature , as I reckoned Waltz With Bashir would walk it. But anything as long as the Baader-Meinhoff poxy-arsed Complex didn’t win.
Benjamin Button is wholly deserving of visual effects award…after all, they’ve made Brad look like a ride again.
Slumdog, Slumdog, Slumdog. Delighted film did so well, even if the audience were at risk of falling into a hyperglycaemic coma after its first 20 mins.
Hugh Jackman. Christ on a bike. Blummin’ Pat Kenny could have done a better job.