Porn to make me happy

Dear reader, I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I was to read that Kanye West is on for starring in a porno. Not that I’m a huge fan of Kanye per se (too sulky for my personal taste, and that’s before we mention the Brazil-sized ego). I’m more impressed with the type of skin flick that Kanye would like to make. We’re not just talking any old run-of-the-mill, 22-positions-with-some-pneumatic-bint malarkey either. Rather, he has admitted that he wouldn’t be averse to the idea of doing a bisexual flick with a man and a woman.  Now, threesomes are as old as time itself (probably), but the idea of a threesome with two men who wouldn’t mind socking it to each other is a concept that completely cranks my chain. None of your fake-shock-macho-bullshit-when-swords-get-accidentally-crossed rubbish for me, nosiree bob. Truth be told, this has been one of my longest standing fantasies – a threesome situation where everyone is…you know, giving and getting to beat the band.

 

Barely able to contain my excitement and/or raging libido, I made the mistake of saying all this out loud at my place of work. A pack of rabid, farting dogs would have gotten a warmer reception. ‘Ewwwwww,’ said one colleague, looking me up and down for any other outward signs of perversion or freakery. I should also point out that my workplace would be considered fairly progressive and dynamic…it’s certainly no convent. But seriously; is my sexual fantasy du choix – and the public airing thereof – really something that should have gone past the censors?

 

Anyway, the whole episode got me to thinking about my long-standing, semi-professional career as a masturbator (what’s the female equivalent of wanking…is is ‘fanking’? Or ‘womanking’? Anyrooooad). As mentioned in a previous post, this is something I have been doing since I was about 5 or 6. Obviously back then, I had no idea that it was something sexual or could be perceived as ‘dirty’ by anyone. All I knew is that it made me feel good. Again, this may be a case of The Sex Freak Overshareth, but thankfully I know I’m not alone here…another friend of mine had been doing the same since she was very young too. I may as well offer up the following disclaimer: I don’t mention this in a bid to open up a whole can of worms about paedophilia/children as sexual beings. I’m merely talking about my own personal experience here.

 

A few years later, things cranked up a notch when I found my first Playboy magazine, stashed away in my dad’s bedroom locker. I should state for the record that I am probably about 98% heterosexual (right now), but anyway, the Playboy magazine breathed fresh impetus into my ‘little activity’. I wasn’t that attracted to the women in hindsight, but the pictures did provide a handy springboard from which I could concoct my own fantasy scenarios, often including a sleazy photographer and a milk-fed, virginal model desperate to get ahead. Yes, I was a would-be Seymour Butts even back then, so help us all.

 

In the decades since, my tastes for porn have become more refined and the Internet has proved to be manna from heaven for anyone partial to a fiddle. Truth be told, I am faddy to the point of fickleness when it comes to porn. One week I can’t get enough of gang bangs; the next I am practically gasping for grainy, grimy amateur stuff. I also had a prolonged period of watching nothing but gay porn (though, curiously enough, have never really gotten ‘into’ lesbian porn. Too much boobage and not enough willy in any one frame). I also found perverse pleasure in watching the Gene Simmons sex tape, something I’m still scratching my…er, head over (c’mon, it’s Gene Simmons. You still would). Round about now though, I’m hankering after vanilla flavoured, Joy Of Sex, one-guy-one-girl porn. Sometimes it’s nice to get back to one’s roots.

 

So how about you lot…anyone brave enough to fess up to their own pornographic proclivities or fantasies? More importantly, one question is looming large in my mind. Given my early start was I – as I’ve always suspected – truly the naughtiest girl in my primary school?